Captain Janeway Lover

I'm really too old for this shit...

So I didn't really talk with the McDonald's girl tonight.. It was busy tonight and I don't want to interrupt her work. Besides, now that I've decided that I kinda like her and want to talk to her, I get real nervous/shy now... so, shit...

Also there tonight were three attractive women enjoying an ice cream snack. They paid no real attention to me. One girl, though, had finally turned around at something. As she she back around, she did pause to see me and smile, and I of course smiled back. So, I knew exactly what I needed to do: go over there and say "안녕하세요. 나는 한국인 입니다." (which would be "Hello. I'm Korean." And then they'd all laugh and I should then try to actually talk to them, especially the cute girl who smiled at me earlier.

But what do I do? I leave. I'm so fucking stupid...

Shortly after I left, I saw them leave, too. I actually started to follow them. I thought to myself Maybe I can actually talk to them if they notice me. If not, I'll just walk around the block so as to avoid completely stalking them. Well, near the bus stop one girl did notice me and they all stopped as though to wait for a bus and I continued on as though I hadn't noticed them.

You know, I'm really too fucking old for this shit. If I want to go talk to a woman or two and I know I can say something to break the ice and make them laugh, then I need to take advantage of it and go fucking talk to them! I'm 24! too old to be afraid to talk to women!

I really need to get back into therapy, something I should've been in through my whole time in Korea...

Today is a lazy day. I spent all day yesterday on feet, mostly walking in Namhae and Jinju, Korea. So I'm tired and am just spending today laying in front of the TV.

Last evening, as I walked through a river-side park in Jinju, I thought Yes, I want the rest of my life to be like this: working all week, traveling every weekend. However, I wish I had someone with me.

I want to adopt a baby girl in a few years. But, I need to change a few things in my life/personality, first... Yeah, I'm not doing quite enough on that end.

But today, as I lie here bored with nothing to watch on TV, I'm thinking This is the rest of my life? Shit...

I dunno. I just need to keep busy to keep my mind off such nihilism...

But there is some home for me, I hope. Working at McDonald's now is a cute girl who puts on a nice smile when I arrive. I really need to push myself to talk to her, especially as Avatar will be coming out here soon. I'd like to see that with her.

As for more long-term, what am I going to do for a living after Korea? I have thought about going to graduate school for a Master's degree in mathematics and then just spend the rest of my life as a college lecturer. Of course, I need to work on some graduate applications, whenever that annual process is supposed to start... However, I need to take the GRE first... I suppose I should plan to take that next time I'm state-side...

So, Korea, unlike my time in university or afterwards during the job-hunt, is when I finally ask myself how I want to live my life. I have five more months to decide... I personally am hoping something (or specifically someone) will come into my to help give me some direction.

I'm feeling down again today.

Dr. Who last night (this morning, technically) had the Docter and Martha in 1913 England, but he thought he was human and was living as a prep school teacher. Through the episode, he starts courting the school nurse and they fall in love.

I wish finding someone now was like how it was back then. The Doctor and the nurse spent their whole time just walking together and talking. Nice and simple. Today, though, you gotta go to bars to hit on girls, you gotta impress the girls, and then there's the added burden of sex. No, I just want to meet a nice girl and get to know her and have her get to know me without all that worrying and stressing...

One girl has left the school. She was a good girl: quiet, smart...

I've also isolated myself from the culture, as one website called it. I haven't gone socialising in months... I just go to school, go home, and spend my weekends traveling alone...

Yes, I realise I have some psychological defaults or personality shortcomings... so I need to be more proactive to not be myself... or maybe I should see if there are any English-speaking therapists around...

I hate Korea...

I have finally recognised my behavior that has caused me to be alone forever, especially here in Korea. I haven't met anyone in months. I simply don't talk to women. Women everywhere expect the man to introduce himself and whatever, and it's especially pronounced in Korea. So, no one women come talk to me, except a few elementary and middle school children...

So, that's the problem: I don't go out and I don't introduce myself to people.

I also shrug off everyone.

Korean kids say "hello" because I'm an adult, but I hate it and I do my best to ignore them. Now why does that bother me so?...?

When I started work here in Masan, a couple of my students (both girls, one 11, the other 13) asked if I had a girlfriend and then why not. I gave the generic "I haven't met the right woman." The 13yo girl then responded "But there are so many women in the world..." Well, I don't meet women... and by that the real problem is that I don't talk to women...

In Korea, I think there is a language barrier. I feel it all the time when interacting with older Koreans or those working behind a counter. They, to my annoyance, try not to speak or just mutter the little English they can. But when it comes to women my age, the language barrier is all in my head. They've been studying English for years and should be able to talk with me some.

Some men, again to my annoyance, will say "hello" as I walk past down the street (who I always ignore, fucking Koreans can't speak Korean?) or whenever.

Like yesterday, I was feeling down so I popped into a Baskin Robbins for an ice cream moral boost. There were two people working there (one man, one woman) and the store was empty. The man asked where I was from and if I knew any Korean. I wasn't in the mood for shit small talk with an asshole... The girl was cute, though. But, being an Asian woman, she didn't say anything.

I have six months left on my contract here. To make my time here (and the rest of my life) more enjoyable, I need to push myself to introduce myself to more Korean women. I also need to be more accepting and open of those few Koreans who ask me questions.

So today's Thanksgiving and I am completely alone...

I hate being alone. Well, I hate that I'm always alone.
Yes, I have no friends in Korea.

Okay, there is one woman who lives in my building, she's over 55yo, and she did invite me to join her and her friend for a coffee tonight, but... rather than try small talk with two older women I don't know and probably can't relate too much with, I think I'd rather sit alone, as always, and watch TV.

I did make a special Thanksgiving lunch for myself today. I had my director ask the last teacher where she was getting turkey, and so I ordered some last week with ham. Well, deli turkey and deli cooked ham, not exactly the proper turkey breast and honey ham, but it was good nonetheless, especially as I've been eating almost entirely McDonald's and chocolate milk these past seven months...

And I'm taking Japanese lessons, too. Twice a week for an hour at a time, it's just me with a private tutor. She doesn't speak English, or she only has a very limited vocabulary, or something 'cause she doesn't speak any English to me. It can be difficult sometimes when she says something to me and I don't know what she said. Like we've been doing the days of the week the past week and have started some vocab building today. No surprise to me that I forget the Japanese word immediately. Then a few seconds later she wants me to say it and I'm like "uh..." I honestly don't know how my students can do it...

So, anyway, it's just a depressing day today. The next month of holiday cheer's going to be hell...

I want to have children some day. I fear, though, I may have to have one on my own. How? adoption might be easiest. I think I'd want to try finding an egg and a surrogate first, though.

Doesn't matter, because I have been thinking about my own childhood recently. I remember a absentee mother. Yeah, she took care of me and everything. But I remember playing by myself or watching TV alone while she was on the couch reading or in bed sleeping. Not exactly a great mother-child bond there. I'm afraid that I too would not spend as much time with the child as I could and should.

Also as long as I am single, I am afraid the house would not have a fully happy atmosphere I think kids need.

So, two reasons I should not have a child yet. And again, there's also my long-term career plans and living arrangements that need to be settled.

Also, I honestly don't take care of myself as well as I should. That's part of my absentee mother. I don't think she got me into some of the daily patterns a person really needs to be in.

So, I have a long way before I can possibly be ready to have a child(ren). I need to be more pro-active in self improvement!

The past few weeks, and especially the past few days in the humid subtropical autumn, I have been feeling more settled. I feel ready to establish a home and raise a child. I no longer have a great urge to move around, seek adventure, all that 20-something stuff. No, I yurn for a life like when I was a child: spend all my free time relaxing at home and with family.

There's more than just that. I want a child. I've been wanting a child for years. But now I feel ready to have a child, although there's a lot in my life I need to change first.

But, instead of dreaming of moving to China, Japan, and France before settling in England, I now find myself wanting to move back to Greensboro with a little Korean infant I will have adopted. I want a house and my family.

So... that's the life I want. The life I have, though, leaves a lot to be desired. I need a real house and a real life-long career that can more than support a child or two. Of course, the support would be much easier living in Greensboro where my family can swoop in whenever needed. And of course raising a child would be easier with someone to share my life with. I really wish I had a life partner.

The search for a life partner has always yielded disappointment and no opportunities. The young Korean women in my area are so fucking cute, but they're all too young. They're all just too cute. And they're not ready to settle down. So, nothing too promising, I think. Or maybe I'm just self deprecating, as always.

Hm, either way, I realise that if I want to find a life partner, or at least a friend for the evening, than I need to spend more time actually out trying to meet people...

Today is a beautiful day. Oh, the weather is just perfect! I love days like today. It's sunny, the temperature's just right, and there's a cool, gentle breeze coming through. It's a perfect Sunday. Sunday is, afterall, the day to just sit back and relax.

It reminds of home in North Carolina, spending these days with my grandparents just watching TV or walking in the park, or sitting at home with Mom. Either way, you gotta have the windows open to let the cool air warm the house and sooth the soul.

I got back to Masan today at 2, NamMasan at 3. Immediately I thought If I had that special someone in my life, I'd call her so we could have a nice picnic together. I get home and I think Today is the perfect day to just relax at home watching some little movie on TV or out for a walk, both best with your family.

But, I don't have a family. My family's 7000 miles away. More than that, I want my own family. I want a child and a wife.

You know, I really like this climate. I grew up in this climate. It's "humid subtropical". Despite the lack of snow in winter, I really love it.

A few days ago, I started to think about adoption. Could I raise a child on my salary? I don't know. I assume whatever hagwon I'm working at would let my child study/stay there free of charge, I hope.

So, yeah... I'm not at the point when I want to start to settle down. I really wish I had someone to settle with.

Other than questions over my long-term career and money-earning issues, I think I have a good life, just need someone to share it with. If I can't find my life partner, then I'll be adopting alone...

It's a beautiful day and I wish it would end...

So I started today in a good mood. I'm over Sarah and starting to feel better about my life in general. I also want to start exploring more of Korea and I just want to be more positive about the whole experience!

Well, my computer then decided to freeze when I was trying to rush off to work (I'll get a new one in October). I also had a typical day at work. So, my new-found positive outlook quickly dissovled. But I'll try to get it back and keep it going.

I've been taking guitar lessons for the past two months. Tonight was the second time I've seen a beautiful Korean woman there also taking lessons. Tonight she actually looked at me and bowed her head to me and I responded with a smile (or was that the other way around?). I then looked down as typical. She probably thinks I'm not interested or whatever. I don't know. I want to try to talk to her one day soon.

Okay, so I'm feeling like shit this morning... Just overall hopelessness and futility.

This cute Chinese girl I knew at UNCG my last semester is now in a relationship. Damn her. I guess a little part of me had hoped that I could spark a relationship with her in the near future. Okay, that's insane, we'll probably never meet again. And the little time we did spend together was not spent flirting... Just me expecting something that certainly wouldn't happen.

Anyway, I'm just wishing for something from Sarah, but I know it'll never come. There's just nothing for me to do now. I just want to lock myself up in here for the day. I need to start working on improving my outlook so that I can go out Friday (or any night, really) and attempt to talk to a woman...

Well, at least I'm resolved to not contact Sarah, until maybe next week...

Okay, I called Sarah. It shouldn't be surprising that she didn't answer. Perhaps it's too late? More likely she's giving me her answer, damn her. That's something I don't understand about women... They don't like you and don't want to go out again, but they'll say "We'll meet soon", or worse, they might actually make plans only to cancel them later. But at least in the latter case they would (or at least should) have the decency to say "I just don't think it'll work out." Certainly better than Sarah leading me on with her "I had a good time and we'll meet again, but secretly I never plan on talking to you again, unless you come back wanting more pity after saying very lovely things about me."

Anyway, an email Sunday night and this call Tuesday night; the ball is definately in her cout now, as it were. I need to plan on not contacting her again. Let her call me. Actually, I'd settle for an email. Actually, I'm so lonely that I'd settle for a txt. No matter how she contacts me, though, she better contact me! Nothing I can do now except wait. Yes, calling her or emailing her again should be a very stupid move, right? Well maybe call her next week? No... I'll just wait...

But, she knows I want to see her again. If she means what she said, she'll have to contact me!

oh... I need to just forget about her and find another woman who'll not want to be with me... Er, yeah, my self-esteem is shit. I hate thinking that. I should have said "I need to forget about Sarach and find a girl who does want me." Something like that... Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is hard when you're all alone without a therapist or friends...

So Summer's officially over. All the kids have returned to school yesterday. And today I noticed that all the beautiful university students have returned. Ugh, I hate this. It just means that there are now more beautiful, single women everywhere to not give me a second glance. It also means more asshole boyfriends to wish I could kill.

No contact from Sarah, yet, of course. I'm not expecting anything from her. I am wondering, though, if I should call her tonight or wait until tomorrow night...

Oh, and my plans fell through for this weekend because my idiot director didn't buy my baseball tickets. When I mentioned them to him last week, he just said "I'll get them next week, they aren't for sell now." Well, the asshole didn't even check! And guess what!? The game's been sold out for two fucking weeks! So, if he had checked when I first asked, as would have been proper in any normal society, he would have discovered that sooner and then we could easily buy tickets for a later game. No, instead today he tried to call them but the line was busy and so he'll try again tomorrow. I'm expecting the same shitty news. Ugh, and this is the last team of the eight I've not been to!

Okay, I think I'll "eat" and then call Sarah... maybe...

Anyways, this explains the small crowd Friday night... All the university students must have just returned and wanted a little fun before returning to their studies...

OMG! I've got the shitty Korean accent running in my head! Get it OUT! but I digress...

but if that was a normal university-term crowd and I had previously only seen the not-uni-student-but-live-here crowd during the summer... Then that should mean there will be just a handful of girls to fantasy about talking to each night... Okay, that should increase my chances of actually talking to one, in theory.

Ugh, but this would be so fucking easier if Sarah would just get in a relationship with me! Then I would be thinking about her rather than all these other girls I'll never talk to, let alone never see again.

Okay, it may be stupid, but I think I'll call Sarah and ask to meet in the near future...

Mom said Sarah's not looking for anything "romantic". Well, of course, or she would have made the effort to keep in contact no matter how busy she got.

Nonetheless, if we do meet again, I need to make a move. I just need to tell her she's beautiful and go for a kiss. I want to be more than just friends with her. I like her. Besides, I need to prove to myself that I actually can try to develop a relationship with a girl. If Sarah doesn't like it and she just wants to be friends, then I'm afraid I should not contact her again after that. I want a relationship. I also have a bad habit of not maintaining long-distance friendships...

But, if Sarah does let me kiss her and she agrees to a third date, great! I want to go for it and I want her.

But, I'm sure she just replied in pity and was trying to cheer me up. She probably has no interest in meeting again. I should just assume that what her email said is false and that she will not respond again. The great thing about this tactic for me is that it's just a straight continuation of what I was dealing with before that last email. So, in theory at least, it should not hurt me any more if she really has lost interest and won't contact me again.

Nonetheless, I'll call her either tonight or tomorrow night and ask for a meeting sometime in the near future. I sent her a shitty email Sunday night, and of course haven't gotten a reply yet. If she answers her phone, she should agree to meet, and my life will be filled with dreams of developing a relationship, again. If not, then I'll again try my best to not bother her again.

Ugh... what the fuck!? So, in my depressive state last night, after I typed that post in here about the girl in the bar, I sent an email to Sarah, the first in three weeks. I told myself three weeks ago that was the last, but then I did the stupid thing of sending her that last night and quickly swore never again.

Let's see... I start by saying I need a friend and she's basically the closest thing I've got... Then I go to explain that she was the first girl I've been interested in for a long while and that I am shit at dating but that I really do like her and I'm sorry for not fully acting like I did. I actually end that section by saying exactly "I want you in my life and I want to be in your life." Yes, a bit romantic, if we were in a proper relationship. So then I finish by stating my plans to hike in Busan today and that I don't have plans for next weekend (which is actually false, but I would be willing to alter them). This is followed with the brilliant mentioning that I want "to return to Gimhae soon to see your beautiful smile" and that it'd be nice to at least just talk.

Yeah, overall, perhaps the best letter to write, but two fucking months late. Yes, it would have been nice maybe a couple weeks after the first date. Now, though, it's really just desperation and depression, two very unattractive qualities, even to friends who have grown to like you.

Well, actually, it worked... She finally contacted me saying, essentially, "I've been busy and tired from work, but I did have fun and we will meet again." Yeah, I don't know... It does mean she's been nice enough to at least look at me emails and I think she's gotten at least some of the point from my last one. But it's odd that she would wait two fucking months to make any contact... Now, she doesn't write a lot in her emails, because she claims to not speak English very well (but she gets her message across, however brief it may be), but as I've been sending a few long English letters requiring more skill than she may have, so she could write me in Korean and I would attempt a Google translate.

Okay, so, I don't know. Either she really does still have an interest in me but she really has been too busy to include me in her life, or she's just being kind in my hour of darkness. I swear, if she really had the slightest desire to date me and see me again after the June 27 Meltdown (I think I'll start calling it that), then she would have been a point to at least fucking contact me at some point afterwards!

Okay, today I went hiking in Busan. At the end of my adventure, I took a coach back to Masan, of course. A few women had managed to get on the bus just as it was about to leave. One Korean woman, alone, made her way to my row and compared the empty beside me to the one across the aisle next to a Korean man. I look at her and smile and she smiles and so takes the seat next to me.

Great, yes? Well, I should have said something to her, but of course I didn't...

Okay... So I need to work on getting myself to talk, to introduce myself, to actually do something instead of my typical nothing. I mean, what stopped me from trying to talk to her? Well, a fear that she may not speak much English and a fear that I may not spark much of an interest from her. Those were only minor thoughts, though.

Okay, so I need to just bloody go for it. I mean, there was a little something, there was the opportunity, and I should have just said "hello". Yeah... I need to do that next time a girl shows any interest.

I've read a bit on cognitive-behaviour therapy today. So, not only do I need to work on changing my behavior as I pointed out above, but I also need to work on stopping those damned self-defeating thoughts that keep popping in my head...

Hm, yeah, it's a tall order, but I need to do it!

Wow... I really am so fucking stupid... It's 12:30am at the foreigner bar and the foreigners who usually hang around aren't entertaining me. There is actually a crowd in the bar, not a big crowd, but more people than usual for this bar, and there are actually women there tonight!

So, 12:30am, I go to pay my tab and I see a cute Korean girl nearby at the bar. She looks over at me and I give a little smile and she responds in kind. I pay my tab, she and her friend get their drinks, she takes a last look at me and around, and she and her friend go to a table. After I get my little change, I... I just stand and think. I know what I'm supposed to do, go over to their table and say "hello" and some shit. But, I finally leave to my apartment... uh, why?

So, trying to think why I made the wrong fucking move, I finally leave my apartment at like 1am to return to the bar and talk to the girl. As I wait for a crossing light, the great idea hits me to attempt to recruit a wingman on the shitty, pointless venture. So, I'm back in the bar, buy one last beer, and wait to take away the only decent guy in the group. I do notice the girls still sitting at their table. Well, this guy gets involved and when I finally have my chance to break him away, I first check the table and another small group is there instead. Well, fuck...

So, I have a real problem on my hands... Here is a girl who has actually shown some interest, or at least enough to give me an opening. But... I don't fucking do anything... I am... lost.

What a horrible dream. I had finally started to feel better about my lot in life here in Korea over the past couple days. But then, this early morning, I had a horrible dream.

An early part had the Get Smart agent (from the latest movie) chasing one of my students, a 12yo girl. A very minor alteration occurs between them, but then she's running off again with him following.

Then there was this part like a British drama/movie. It was in a small town that was starting to be plagued by revengeful ghosts. In the dream, there was a father, the typical protaganist, who worried about his elementary school son who wanted to join the police.

Anyway, then it has me living, or at least spending the night, in this really old house with painted murals on the walls. Soon these two older women join me for dinner. They start talking about the events. I try to talk about something, anything, and they ignore me, continuing their gossip. I stare at my food as I play with it and start thinking Oh, why do I bother, no one cares about anything I have to say.

Then back to the British movie. The police in the middle of the night, not knowing what's causing the ghosts' mayhem, decide to collect together all the town's boys to form search parties to discover what's happening around town. So in the middle of the night, an officer comes to take the father's son. There's your typical scene outside in the night with the officer looking for draftees but trying to be apologetic to the father for doing it, but he and his wife, though clearly hurt, let their son go knowing that's what he wants. And so we end this segment watching the police car drive up the road in the night.

Then the Get Smart agent says he had hurt the girl using his "straw of steel". So we, led by me, catch up with the girl and I start asking them to show me the results, to see if the girl has really been hurt or if the agent's just being crazy. A first glance at his straw shows it to be in fine condition. So, I look to the girl and ask to see her leg for any wounds. She refuses and starts to walk off. I remain adament and follow her. She finally agrees. Going up the escalator, in public view, she then removes some of her clothes. This is when I get to see her skipping/walking along happily in just her panties and botton-down shirt. My thoughts are, simply, that she is a very beautiful woman and how lucky she is, and not me, to be able to wear those clothes, to be able to go around wearing such clothes while I cannot. I hate to admit it, but there has been a couple times, in my depressive states, that I have been jealous of my older female students for they get to wear those clothes and have young female bodies while I can't and don't...

So, shit of that dream! I was finally starting to feel good about my life for the first time since that date with Sarah very long fucking months ago! Now, or at least after waking up, I feel horrible again. Nonetheless, I need to take heade of its message: find friends and continue to get through the transition as best I can, even if in mind only.

I'm back in Korea after my holiday in Japan. I don't like what Korea's doing to me. I hate that I can't/don't talk to more people. I wish I could do something to start talking with all these beautiful Korean women.

As I was tossing my trash from lunch, a kid came over and said "hello" and I ignored him. I feel like these kids think I'm there just to entertain them and I'm so fucking tired of it. He walked around to my other side and said "hello" again and I again ignored him and left.

and i've been thinking this past week, Sarah was surprised that i could use chopsticks and that i knew the Korean for "thank you", and i couldn't maintain a long relationship, or a real friendship i think, with someone who was constantly so surprised by such minor things

Oh, I don't know what I'm to do. I'm stuck in Korea at least for this month, though my contract still has 10 months to go. I think I need to make a bigger effort to learn Korean, to actually talk to people in this shitty country in Korean.

Okay, so I am over Sarah, but I am definately lonely.

Ugh, after typing that, I spent two or three hours just lying in bed... thankfully some was sleep, though it may kill me when it's time to actually sleep tonight...

Okay, I'm drunk now, let's just declare that now so you don't take this too seriously or whatever. But...

In the foreigner bar, in the group I got myself into for the night, there were only two Koreans, one engaged to a foreigner and the other only working with one. So, I of course got myself to sit next to her and started to talk to her after I started my second drink. Every now and then, I would ask her about her life. She'd answer nicely enough, but the poker game kept interfering.

Anyway, at one point after she left the table or hand, I had a bad hand, I showed her and asked "How do you say 'fuck' in Korean?" as I threw my cards on the table and she just laughed. Yeah, my point here is that I was trying horribly to get her to get some fucking interest in me and I'm sure she and others at the table fucking saw. Doesn't matter.

She didn't get as drunk as I. As she left, she had to pass by me, and she was nice enough, and sober enough to be nice, to say "goodbye". Thankfully I didn't disgust her too much as she did mention we should meet again at the bar.

But, now that I've been in my apartment for nearly an hour fucking drunk, I think I might never find a fucking girl. I mean, the point of life is to have children and how can I be sure I'll find a girl to have a child with? I don't know. If I'm never to have children, then really, why the fuck am I here? If I'm never to have children, then I should just fucking die now.

Thankfully I'm too drunk to take it all too seriously. I don't know what to do know.

If Venus will bless me again, then I'll have another chance to hit on her at the bar. If I'm not completely stupid or hopeless, then perhaps she'll find something to like in me. Fuck, even if that means we're at least friends at the bar, it's a fucking improvement on anything else I fucking got now.

That girl was so expert at poker, like she dealt almost like a pro, so I thought my own expertise might intise her. But perhaps that either didn't shine at a table of people who've been playing these past few months or it came off as overly cocky... She probably just saw me as a drunk guy hitting on her and didn't pay much attention to what I was doing.