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Thu, Jan. 28th, 2010, 10:05 pm
Hurtful Girl

Girls are so mean... My oldest girl student is 12yo, going into the 7th grade in March. Last month, she said she didn't like me... This month she says she hates me... I don't know why; she won't tell me. I don't know how to make things better, either.

So, everyday for the last month she's been mean to me everyday. I don't understand...

Then Tuesday, I guess she really didn't like something I did. She tried her hardest to not talk to me the rest of today. Then today was the same. Oh, I really liked her and it hurts that she doesn't like me. And it hurts more that she's trying to hurt me.

Okay, I can acknowledge that I egg her on sometimes. I think of it often as playing/joking. She often doesn't like it and loves to give me ugly/hateful looks.

Today she said that another student of mine (a friend of her classmate, a girl going into the 6th grade) doesn't like me. That doesn't make sense. She's always nice to me. She talks to me and doesn't mind answering my questions. But I was told that she's nice because she thinks I'm "sad" (as in unhappy, they most likely don't know it also means pitiful). Well, I guess that's probably true...

But later she said something worse, something downright ugly. She actually said that no woman would marry me...
And of course, it hurts more because part of me believes it...

Mon, Dec. 14th, 2009, 10:18 pm
I'm Too Old

I'm really too old for this shit...

So I didn't really talk with the McDonald's girl tonight.. It was busy tonight and I don't want to interrupt her work. Besides, now that I've decided that I kinda like her and want to talk to her, I get real nervous/shy now... so, shit...

Also there tonight were three attractive women enjoying an ice cream snack. They paid no real attention to me. One girl, though, had finally turned around at something. As she she back around, she did pause to see me and smile, and I of course smiled back. So, I knew exactly what I needed to do: go over there and say "안녕하세요. 나는 한국인 입니다." (which would be "Hello. I'm Korean." And then they'd all laugh and I should then try to actually talk to them, especially the cute girl who smiled at me earlier.

But what do I do? I leave. I'm so fucking stupid...

Shortly after I left, I saw them leave, too. I actually started to follow them. I thought to myself Maybe I can actually talk to them if they notice me. If not, I'll just walk around the block so as to avoid completely stalking them. Well, near the bus stop one girl did notice me and they all stopped as though to wait for a bus and I continued on as though I hadn't noticed them.

You know, I'm really too fucking old for this shit. If I want to go talk to a woman or two and I know I can say something to break the ice and make them laugh, then I need to take advantage of it and go fucking talk to them! I'm 24! too old to be afraid to talk to women!

I really need to get back into therapy, something I should've been in through my whole time in Korea...

Sun, Dec. 13th, 2009, 06:17 pm
What's Next?

Today is a lazy day. I spent all day yesterday on feet, mostly walking in Namhae and Jinju, Korea. So I'm tired and am just spending today laying in front of the TV.

Last evening, as I walked through a river-side park in Jinju, I thought Yes, I want the rest of my life to be like this: working all week, traveling every weekend. However, I wish I had someone with me.

I want to adopt a baby girl in a few years. But, I need to change a few things in my life/personality, first... Yeah, I'm not doing quite enough on that end.

But today, as I lie here bored with nothing to watch on TV, I'm thinking This is the rest of my life? Shit...

I dunno. I just need to keep busy to keep my mind off such nihilism...

But there is some home for me, I hope. Working at McDonald's now is a cute girl who puts on a nice smile when I arrive. I really need to push myself to talk to her, especially as Avatar will be coming out here soon. I'd like to see that with her.

As for more long-term, what am I going to do for a living after Korea? I have thought about going to graduate school for a Master's degree in mathematics and then just spend the rest of my life as a college lecturer. Of course, I need to work on some graduate applications, whenever that annual process is supposed to start... However, I need to take the GRE first... I suppose I should plan to take that next time I'm state-side...

So, Korea, unlike my time in university or afterwards during the job-hunt, is when I finally ask myself how I want to live my life. I have five more months to decide... I personally am hoping something (or specifically someone) will come into my to help give me some direction.

Wed, Dec. 2nd, 2009, 10:29 pm
Isolated

I'm feeling down again today.

Dr. Who last night (this morning, technically) had the Docter and Martha in 1913 England, but he thought he was human and was living as a prep school teacher. Through the episode, he starts courting the school nurse and they fall in love.

I wish finding someone now was like how it was back then. The Doctor and the nurse spent their whole time just walking together and talking. Nice and simple. Today, though, you gotta go to bars to hit on girls, you gotta impress the girls, and then there's the added burden of sex. No, I just want to meet a nice girl and get to know her and have her get to know me without all that worrying and stressing...

One girl has left the school. She was a good girl: quiet, smart...

I've also isolated myself from the culture, as one website called it. I haven't gone socialising in months... I just go to school, go home, and spend my weekends traveling alone...

Yes, I realise I have some psychological defaults or personality shortcomings... so I need to be more proactive to not be myself... or maybe I should see if there are any English-speaking therapists around...

Sun, Nov. 29th, 2009, 12:07 pm
Why Don't I Talk?

I hate Korea...

I have finally recognised my behavior that has caused me to be alone forever, especially here in Korea. I haven't met anyone in months. I simply don't talk to women. Women everywhere expect the man to introduce himself and whatever, and it's especially pronounced in Korea. So, no one women come talk to me, except a few elementary and middle school children...

So, that's the problem: I don't go out and I don't introduce myself to people.

I also shrug off everyone.

Korean kids say "hello" because I'm an adult, but I hate it and I do my best to ignore them. Now why does that bother me so?...?

When I started work here in Masan, a couple of my students (both girls, one 11, the other 13) asked if I had a girlfriend and then why not. I gave the generic "I haven't met the right woman." The 13yo girl then responded "But there are so many women in the world..." Well, I don't meet women... and by that the real problem is that I don't talk to women...

In Korea, I think there is a language barrier. I feel it all the time when interacting with older Koreans or those working behind a counter. They, to my annoyance, try not to speak or just mutter the little English they can. But when it comes to women my age, the language barrier is all in my head. They've been studying English for years and should be able to talk with me some.

Some men, again to my annoyance, will say "hello" as I walk past down the street (who I always ignore, fucking Koreans can't speak Korean?) or whenever.

Like yesterday, I was feeling down so I popped into a Baskin Robbins for an ice cream moral boost. There were two people working there (one man, one woman) and the store was empty. The man asked where I was from and if I knew any Korean. I wasn't in the mood for shit small talk with an asshole... The girl was cute, though. But, being an Asian woman, she didn't say anything.

I have six months left on my contract here. To make my time here (and the rest of my life) more enjoyable, I need to push myself to introduce myself to more Korean women. I also need to be more accepting and open of those few Koreans who ask me questions.

Thu, Nov. 26th, 2009, 09:52 pm
The Holidays Come

So today's Thanksgiving and I am completely alone...

I hate being alone. Well, I hate that I'm always alone.
Yes, I have no friends in Korea.

Okay, there is one woman who lives in my building, she's over 55yo, and she did invite me to join her and her friend for a coffee tonight, but... rather than try small talk with two older women I don't know and probably can't relate too much with, I think I'd rather sit alone, as always, and watch TV.

I did make a special Thanksgiving lunch for myself today. I had my director ask the last teacher where she was getting turkey, and so I ordered some last week with ham. Well, deli turkey and deli cooked ham, not exactly the proper turkey breast and honey ham, but it was good nonetheless, especially as I've been eating almost entirely McDonald's and chocolate milk these past seven months...

And I'm taking Japanese lessons, too. Twice a week for an hour at a time, it's just me with a private tutor. She doesn't speak English, or she only has a very limited vocabulary, or something 'cause she doesn't speak any English to me. It can be difficult sometimes when she says something to me and I don't know what she said. Like we've been doing the days of the week the past week and have started some vocab building today. No surprise to me that I forget the Japanese word immediately. Then a few seconds later she wants me to say it and I'm like "uh..." I honestly don't know how my students can do it...

So, anyway, it's just a depressing day today. The next month of holiday cheer's going to be hell...

Sun, Oct. 11th, 2009, 10:52 am
Need to Change

I want to have children some day. I fear, though, I may have to have one on my own. How? adoption might be easiest. I think I'd want to try finding an egg and a surrogate first, though.

Doesn't matter, because I have been thinking about my own childhood recently. I remember a absentee mother. Yeah, she took care of me and everything. But I remember playing by myself or watching TV alone while she was on the couch reading or in bed sleeping. Not exactly a great mother-child bond there. I'm afraid that I too would not spend as much time with the child as I could and should.

Also as long as I am single, I am afraid the house would not have a fully happy atmosphere I think kids need.

So, two reasons I should not have a child yet. And again, there's also my long-term career plans and living arrangements that need to be settled.

Also, I honestly don't take care of myself as well as I should. That's part of my absentee mother. I don't think she got me into some of the daily patterns a person really needs to be in.

So, I have a long way before I can possibly be ready to have a child(ren). I need to be more pro-active in self improvement!

Thu, Oct. 8th, 2009, 10:53 pm
My New Life

The past few weeks, and especially the past few days in the humid subtropical autumn, I have been feeling more settled. I feel ready to establish a home and raise a child. I no longer have a great urge to move around, seek adventure, all that 20-something stuff. No, I yurn for a life like when I was a child: spend all my free time relaxing at home and with family.

There's more than just that. I want a child. I've been wanting a child for years. But now I feel ready to have a child, although there's a lot in my life I need to change first.

But, instead of dreaming of moving to China, Japan, and France before settling in England, I now find myself wanting to move back to Greensboro with a little Korean infant I will have adopted. I want a house and my family.

So... that's the life I want. The life I have, though, leaves a lot to be desired. I need a real house and a real life-long career that can more than support a child or two. Of course, the support would be much easier living in Greensboro where my family can swoop in whenever needed. And of course raising a child would be easier with someone to share my life with. I really wish I had a life partner.

The search for a life partner has always yielded disappointment and no opportunities. The young Korean women in my area are so fucking cute, but they're all too young. They're all just too cute. And they're not ready to settle down. So, nothing too promising, I think. Or maybe I'm just self deprecating, as always.

Hm, either way, I realise that if I want to find a life partner, or at least a friend for the evening, than I need to spend more time actually out trying to meet people...

Sun, Sep. 20th, 2009, 05:34 pm
Beautiful, Relaxing Sunday

Today is a beautiful day. Oh, the weather is just perfect! I love days like today. It's sunny, the temperature's just right, and there's a cool, gentle breeze coming through. It's a perfect Sunday. Sunday is, afterall, the day to just sit back and relax.

It reminds of home in North Carolina, spending these days with my grandparents just watching TV or walking in the park, or sitting at home with Mom. Either way, you gotta have the windows open to let the cool air warm the house and sooth the soul.

I got back to Masan today at 2, NamMasan at 3. Immediately I thought If I had that special someone in my life, I'd call her so we could have a nice picnic together. I get home and I think Today is the perfect day to just relax at home watching some little movie on TV or out for a walk, both best with your family.

But, I don't have a family. My family's 7000 miles away. More than that, I want my own family. I want a child and a wife.

You know, I really like this climate. I grew up in this climate. It's "humid subtropical". Despite the lack of snow in winter, I really love it.

A few days ago, I started to think about adoption. Could I raise a child on my salary? I don't know. I assume whatever hagwon I'm working at would let my child study/stay there free of charge, I hope.

So, yeah... I'm not at the point when I want to start to settle down. I really wish I had someone to settle with.

Other than questions over my long-term career and money-earning issues, I think I have a good life, just need someone to share it with. If I can't find my life partner, then I'll be adopting alone...

It's a beautiful day and I wish it would end...

Thu, Sep. 3rd, 2009, 11:27 pm
Be Positive!

So I started today in a good mood. I'm over Sarah and starting to feel better about my life in general. I also want to start exploring more of Korea and I just want to be more positive about the whole experience!

Well, my computer then decided to freeze when I was trying to rush off to work (I'll get a new one in October). I also had a typical day at work. So, my new-found positive outlook quickly dissovled. But I'll try to get it back and keep it going.

I've been taking guitar lessons for the past two months. Tonight was the second time I've seen a beautiful Korean woman there also taking lessons. Tonight she actually looked at me and bowed her head to me and I responded with a smile (or was that the other way around?). I then looked down as typical. She probably thinks I'm not interested or whatever. I don't know. I want to try to talk to her one day soon.

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